Crossing Swords

Pilot

Young Patrick dreams of earning his knighthood and dispensing justice to evildoers. He's driven by his goodhearted, earnest nature, but also by guilt: his own siblings are some of the land's most notorious crooks. However, when Patrick finally lands a coveted squire position at the royal castle, his dream job quickly turns into a nightmare. In this kingdom, corruption starts at the top, and staying true to his lofty goals will be a thornier proposition than Patrick anticipated.

Hot Tub Death Machine

Patrick's excitement to start his new squire job is quickly dampened when he is placed in charge of deciding who to execute as part of King Merriman's publicity stunt. While Patrick struggles between pleasing the King and staying true to his anti-death penalty morals, Coral and Ruben campaign for the high profile role of executee…They don't want to be executed, but it's an honor to be recognized.

What's Kraken?

When Patrick scores highly coveted tickets to a Kraken watching cruise for his parents, he sees an opportunity to impress his hard-to-please father. The gift blows up in his face when the cruise is hijacked by a radical protest group and his parents are taken hostage. Now Patrick must stop the hijacking at any cost, even if it means making a deal with the devil.

In the Line of Squire

As a string of high-profile assassinations rock the kingdom, the headstrong and petulant Princess Blossom returns home from school to attend a giant music festival. Patrick is stuck as her one-man security detail. Guarding the mischievous teenager gets even more difficult when the assassin strikes the festival, and Patrick realizes he's truly in over his head.

Let Them Eat Clown

Patrick is thrilled to escort King Merriman to a charity golf retreat, only to arrive and find out it's actually the Chill Society, an annual bacchanal where rival kings meet to divvy up power and party their faces off. Patrick is shocked at his look behind the curtain, especially when he's exposed to both a dark royal secret and a Chill Society custom that threatens to kill one of his own family members.

My Super Sweet Period Party

As the only uncut squire, Patrick is horrified to learn that he will need to undergo a circumcision to keep his job. Meanwhile, as Blossom celebrates the arrival of her first period, she learns that she will soon be forced into a chastity belt, taking away her opportunity to lose her virginity to her beloved boyfriend Keefer. She enlists Patrick to help make her Super Sweet Period Party everything she wants it to be. Together, the pair suffers the pains and obligations of growing up.

Look Who's Stalking

Fed up with a string of bad investments that have led the kingdom to bankruptcy, King Merriman throws out a pot of "magic beans," which quickly grow into a giant beanstalk. Seeing an escape from his responsibilities, Merriman climbs the beanstalk with Patrick pursuing him. They find a beautiful kingdom in the clouds, a society of peace, sharing and kindness—a perfect new realm for Merriman to dominate and ruin. Patrick has to return the King to the surface before he destroys the cloud kingdom— and before the beanstalk is chopped down and they're stranded forever.

The Snow Job

When a crisis sweeps through the Kingdom, Patrick accompanies the royal family north to stay safe, isolated in an icy ski lodge. While the family makes it to the lodge, Patrick finds himself trapped in an ice castle with a Yeti, who happens to be an agoraphobic hoarder. Patrick tries to help the Yeti overcome her issues as, back at the lodge, King Merriman finds a surprising challenger for his title of Alpha Male…Patrick's father, Glenn.

The A-Moooo-Zing Race

The assassin has orchestrated the kidnapping of Princess Blossom, and a Minotaur holds her captive in its maze. Now the King and Queen must abdicate the throne, or their daughter will be eaten by a monster. Patrick and a host of fellow adventurers— including his own siblings—must brave the labyrinth and its traps in order to slay the Minotaur and retrieve the Princess.

Unchained Monarchy

Patrick returns to the castle with the rescued Princess Blossom only to find it under siege. The minotaur maze was only part of the assassin's devious plan, and Patrick comes face-to-face with the force that has been terrorizing the kingdom all season: the devious assassin. With the royals imprisoned, Patrick must rely on his family and friends to help him defeat the assassin and save the realm from those conspiring to overthrow the monarchy.

Shamrock Shakedown

Patrick finds himself on trial for betraying the kingdom, and only avoids punishment with a Hail Mary promise to the king: that he will find the legendary leprechaun gold.

Toxic Femininity

The king and queen's scheme to draw attention to their newfound wealth is derailed. Patrick and Broth go undercover to protect Blossom and bust the drug ring, but the truth behind this mystery is even more shocking than they suspected.

Destination: Wedding

The wedding of the year brings Merriman a chance to mend fences with King Rami IV, whose son is arranged to marry Holden the squire. But when Ruben crashes the wedding to win Holden back, Patrick uncovers a malevolent undercurrent to the nuptials.

Good Vibrations

When Queen Tulip slips into a sex-toy-induced coma, King Merriman throws a beauty pageant to replace her. While every eligible lady in town tries to win the king's hand, Patrick desperately attempts to wake the queen before the kingdom is torn apart.

Get Your Minchachas Out

On a training retreat Patrick and the squires meet the most famous knight in the kingdom, but Patrick quickly decides the knight's lessons are superficial crap. Merriman and Tulip attend couples counseling that turns into a struggle for their lives.

Tent Pitching

The circus returns to the kingdom, much to the king's delight. Blarney is reunited with his uppity clown college classmates. Patrick, however, is concerned that Danielle's circus origins make this an opportune time for her to strike again.

Nothin, Usurp With U?

The kingdom adjusts to life under its new (old) king, the Old King. Patrick is torn between loyalty to the kingdom and loyalty to his former king. Meanwhile, Merriman tries life as a civilian and finds a new career after a mushroom-fueled trip.

Sad-iator

As punishment for his dissent, Patrick is sentenced to fight in the arena as a gladiator. Merriman starts to take a shine to his new life in the human resources department of a cobbler shop but puts corporate life aside for Patrick's sake.

Knight of the F**king Dead

Merriman and Tulip are back just in time for the annual Hallowtide party. Patrick is tasked with chaperoning Princess Blossom but abandons his duties to hang out with the knights. Blossom swaps places with her deceased Aunt Donna in a game of Bloody Mary.

Hard Day's Knight

After months of the kingdom depleting the jewel mines, the Mole People underground lash out at the surface-dwellers. Patrick journeys down into the darkness, where he encounters terror both real and existential; does he even want to be a knight anymore?

Crossing Swords follows a goodhearted hero wannabe named Patrick, who lands his dream job as a squire, only to learn the royal castle is a corrupt hornet's nest of horny monarchs, crooks, and charlatans. War, murder, full-frontal nudity—who knew brightly colored peg people led such exciting lives?

Crossing Swords

Episodes

Synopsis